


Nothing more than the pipe dream of a mind seduced by the thought of finally popping its mayo cherry on a Nepali summit.

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), M/M, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24841537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Karkat and Dirk talk for the first time.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 45
Kudos: 206





	Nothing more than the pipe dream of a mind seduced by the thought of finally popping its mayo cherry on a Nepali summit.

DIRK: What’s the deal with the little Carapacian?  
KARKAT: THAT’S THE MAYOR.  
DIRK: Right.  
DIRK: Obviously.  
DIRK: Stupid of me to ask.  
KARKAT: MM.  
DIRK: So,  
DIRK: Is he actually the mayor of anything, or is that title purely nominal?  
KARKAT: HE’S THE MAYOR OF CAN TOWN.  
DIRK: Oh yeah sure, say no more.  
DIRK: That makes perfect sense.  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: GOOD.  
DIRK: Oh no wait, hold on.  
DIRK: I just took a look at my notes, and it turns out I actually have absolutely no idea what that means.  
DIRK: What the hell is Can Town?  
KARKAT: IT WAS A THRIVING, BUSTLING METROPOLIS POPULATED BY AND MADE OUT OF TIN CANS.  
DIRK: Oh.  
KARKAT: YEAH, IT WAS ACTUALLY INCREDIBLY EXTENSIVE AND INTRICATE.  
KARKAT: HE PUT A TON OF WORK INTO IT.  
DIRK: Damn.  
DIRK: I’m gonna have to go see that for myself.  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: I GUESS...  
KARKAT: THE METEOR MUST HAVE LANDED SOMEWHERE.  
KARKAT: WE COULD PROBABLY ALL GO SEE IT.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: HUH.  
DIRK: So this dude was, or if that meteor’s actually still around, I guess I should say _is_ , the Mayor of Can Town.  
KARKAT: YEAH, EXACTLY.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: His little sash definitely used to say “mayo,” though, right?  
DIRK: And he added the “R” himself.  
DIRK: I’m not imagining that?  
KARKAT: OH...  
KARKAT: YEAH, I GUESS THAT’S RIGHT.  
KARKAT: I’D PRETTY MUCH JUST GOTTEN USED TO READING IT AS “MAYOR.”  
KARKAT: OR NOT EVEN READING IT AT ALL.  
DIRK: Yeah, well with fresh eyes on the scene, along with this vital new Can Town intel, I think I can pretty much fill in the blanks here.  
DIRK: Stop me if I’m totally misinterpreting,  
DIRK: But that sash is 100 percent just a label off a can of mayonnaise.  
DIRK: Right?  
KARKAT: UM.  
DIRK: Although who the fuck ever heard of a _can_ of mayo?  
DIRK: If you’re preserving shit for the long haul, one of the last things on your mind ought to be an easily spoilable egg-based spread that you use at most one teaspoon of at a time.  
DIRK: That’s just irresponsible prepping logic right there.  
DIRK: I’m a bit of a canned good aficionado, which is just a smooth, diplomatic way of saying I hardly ate anything else for sixteen fucking years,  
DIRK: And I can tell you definitively that in my extensive stores of apocalypse-weathering cannage, mayo was not among the chosen.  
KARKAT: UH.  
DIRK: Actually, if we’re putting all our cards on the table here, I’ve never had mayo.  
DIRK: Have you?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: I’VE HAD MAYO.  
DIRK: Cool.  
DIRK: Well shit, I guess this guy’s sash is pretty definitive proof that there’s at least one can of mayo rollin’ around somewhere.  
DIRK: Or serving as the solemn cornerstone of the Can Town State House or something equally prestigious.  
DIRK: We should find it and bust that fucker open.  
DIRK: Christen our new planet in the most gloopy, disgusting way possible.  
KARKAT: ER.  
DIRK: So after we track down that rogue can, we’ll make a beeline for Mount Everest.  
DIRK: Because if you’re looking for the prow of a planet, obviously the most sensible analogue is going to be its highest peak.  
KARKAT: ...  
DIRK: I’ve never been there myself, so I’m imagining the top is a perfectly pointy isosceles triangle that’s primed and ready for tin can piercing.  
DIRK: All ready to receive our sixteen ounces of certified organic mayonnaisey goodness.  
KARKAT: UH  
DIRK: But I can accept that this is probably the product of wishful thinking.  
DIRK: Nothing more than the pipe dream of a mind seduced by the thought of finally popping its mayo cherry on a Nepali summit.  
KARKAT: ...  
DIRK: Realistically we’re probably gonna need a can opener.  
KARKAT: RIGHT.  
DIRK: And I mean, that’s assuming we can even find this fabled mayo can.  
DIRK: Because if there’s a second thing we know for sure about it, it’s that it’s un-fuckin-labeled.  
DIRK: If we’re goin’ purely by naming conventions, like if we write a script to find the nearest mayo for christening purposes, we’re just gonna come up with this douchebag over here.  
KARKAT: WHOA!  
DIRK: And I kinda doubt he’s got a whipped eggy filling.  
DIRK: Although who am I to judge?  
KARKAT: OK, I’M GONNA STOP YOU THERE.  
DIRK: Okay.  
KARKAT: LISTEN.  
KARKAT: DIRK.  
DIRK: Yeah?  
KARKAT: DAVE SEEMS TO REALLY LIKE YOU.  
KARKAT: HE WANTS WHATEVER WEIRD HUMAN FAMILY SHIT YOU’VE GOT GOING ON TO WORK.  
DIRK: I want it to work too.  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: GOOD.  
KARKAT: WITH THAT IN MIND, I’M GONNA GIVE YOU ONE TIP FOR FREE.  
KARKAT: DON’T FUCKING TALK SHIT ABOUT THE MAYOR.  
DIRK: Oh.  
KARKAT: NOT IN FRONT OF ME.  
KARKAT: AND *ESPECIALLY* NOT IN FRONT OF DAVE.  
DIRK: Oh shit.  
KARKAT: PREFERABLY NOT EVEN WHEN YOU’RE ALONE, LYING AWAKE AT NIGHT, RAMBLING ABOUT MOUNTAINTOPS AND CONDIMENTS.  
DIRK: Fuck.  
DIRK: I didn’t mean to...  
DIRK: Fuuuck.  
DIRK: I was really going off there, wasn’t I?  
DIRK: Jesus fucking Christ.  
KARKAT: SIIIGH.  
KARKAT: IT’S OK.  
KARKAT: FUNNILY ENOUGH, I THINK I GET IT.  
DIRK: You do?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: *NOT* THE CALLING THE MAYOR A DOUCHEBAG THING, MIND YOU.  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU IN THE FACE FOR SAYING THAT.  
DIRK: Okay. Fair.  
KARKAT: I JUST MEAN, THAT WHOLE AGONIZINGLY DETAILED DUNG HEAP OF A GARDEN PATH YOU JUST WENT DOWN  
KARKAT: WHERE YOU JUST DUG YOURSELF DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO YOUR OWN GRAVE.  
KARKAT: I AM SO FUCKING USED TO THAT SHIT BY NOW.  
DIRK: You are?  
KARKAT: OH YEAH.  
KARKAT: THAT IS CLASSIC FUCKING DAVE.  
DIRK: Really?  
KARKAT: OH COME ON.  
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU GUYS HAVE TALKED.  
KARKAT: DON’T EVEN TRY TO TELL ME HE HASN’T GONE OFF ON SOME WEIRD ASS TANGENTS AT YOU.  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Ha.  
DIRK: No, he has.  
DIRK: One of them was even explaining, at length, his tendency to go off on weird ass tangents.  
KARKAT: HAHA  
KARKAT: YEAH, THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.  
DIRK: It’s just pretty surreal, is all.  
DIRK: Hearing you say that I remind you of him.  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY?  
KARKAT: HAVE YOU SEEN THE TWO OF YOU?  
DIRK: Oh, I know we look alike.  
DIRK: That’s never been in question.  
DIRK: I more mean it’s strange, and frankly a little thrilling to hear that I have some of the same mannerisms and tendencies.  
DIRK: Especially from someone so close to him.  
DIRK: I don’t know if you know this, but I’ve pretty earnestly looked up to him my whole life.  
KARKAT: YOU MEAN HIS ALT SELF.  
DIRK: Yeah.  
KARKAT: LOOK.  
KARKAT: THAT'S ANOTHER THING.  
KARKAT: MAYBE...  
KARKAT: MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T REEFER TO THAT GUY AND DAVE AS THE SAME PERSON TOO MUCH.  
DIRK: Oh.  
KARKAT: AT LEAST TO HIM.  
DIRK: ...Okay.  
KARKAT: DON’T GET ME WRONG. I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE GETTING AT HERE.  
KARKAT: AND UNDER DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES I THINK IT COULD BE FLATTERING.  
KARKAT: THE THING IS...  
KARKAT: DAVE WANTS REALLY BADLY TO BELIEVE THAT YOU AND HIS BRO *AREN’T* THE SAME PERSON.  
DIRK: Oh my god.  
DIRK: Right.  
KARKAT: AND IF YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT HIM AND THE HIM YOU KNEW INTERCHANGEABLY...  
DIRK: Fuck.  
KARKAT: YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: That...  
DIRK: That makes a lot of sense.  
DIRK: Thanks for pointing that out.  
KARKAT: SURE.  
KARKAT: ...  
DIRK: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
DIRK: ...  
KARKAT: DAVE REALLY WANTS TO BELIEVE YOU’RE DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW.  
DIRK: I know.  
KARKAT: I STILL DON’T KNOW IF THAT’S A GOOD THING OR NOT.  
DIRK: Yeah I...  
DIRK: I’m honestly not sure either.  
KARKAT: MM.  
DIRK: ...  
KARKAT: BUT THAT’S WHAT DAVE WANTS TO BELIEVE.  
KARKAT: SO I’M GONNA SUPPORT HIM IN THAT.  
KARKAT: AND I’D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU PUT SOME EFFORT INTO NOT PROVING HIM WRONG.  
DIRK: Is this the part of the conversation where you tell me that if I break his heart, you’ll break my neck?  
DIRK: Because I think we might have the traditional roles reversed.  
KARKAT: |:B  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Oh my god I am fucking this up so much, aren’t I?  
KARKAT: UGH  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW.  
KARKAT: MAYBE?  
KARKAT: MAYBE I’M BEING TOO HARD ON YOU.  
DIRK: I promise that’s almost definitely not the case.  
KARKAT: HEH.  
KARKAT: WELL AT THE VERY LEAST I CAN’T REALLY HOLD THAT STUPID FUCKING RAMBLE AGAINST YOU.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT WHEN DAVE REALLY GETS GOING ON THOSE...  
KARKAT: IT’S USUALLY BECAUSE HE’S NERVOUS.  
DIRK: To be fair, he told me he also does it when he’s hungry.  
KARKAT: HA  
KARKAT: ARE YOU HUNGRY?  
DIRK: Not really.  
KARKAT: I DIDN’T THINK SO.  
KARKAT: SIGH  
KARKAT: WELL WHATEVER.  
KARKAT: I *AM* BIASED AGAINST YOU.  
KARKAT: THERE'S NO DENYING THAT.  
KARKAT: I’M PRETTY SURE DAVE STILL HASN’T TOLD ME EVERYTHING ABOUT HIS CHILDHOOD.  
KARKAT: BUT THE THINGS HE HAS...  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: It sounds like I was fucking horrible.  
KARKAT: SEE THERE YOU GO AGAIN.  
KARKAT: *HE* WAS HORRIBLE.  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Right.  
KARKAT: THE QUESTION IS WHETHER *YOU* ARE *ALSO* HORRIBLE.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: I guess that is the question.  
KARKAT: YEP.  
DIRK: ...  
KARKAT: DAVE’S CHOOSING TO BELIEVE THE ANSWER IS NO.  
DIRK: That I’m not horrible.  
KARKAT: RIGHT.  
DIRK: That’s... really big of him.  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: IT IS.  
DIRK: ...  
KARKAT: I, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAVE *NO* REASON TO BELIEVE THAT.  
DIRK: Okay.  
KARKAT: EXCEPT...  
KARKAT: EXCEPT THAT I WANT DAVE TO BE HAPPY.  
DIRK: That seems like a pretty good reason.  
KARKAT: I GUESS.  
DIRK: Oh shit.  
DIRK: Wait.  
DIRK: I didn’t mean that as in, like, that’s a good reason to trust me, therefore you should trust me.  
DIRK: I just meant-  
DIRK: God dammit.  
KARKAT: HEH.  
KARKAT: I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT.  
KARKAT: DON’T WORRY.  
DIRK: Who’s worried?  
KARKAT: HA  
KARKAT: THAT’S ANOTHER THING YOU AND DAVE SHARE.  
KARKAT: WHEN HE REALLY GETS GOING, HE NEVER SEEMS TO REALIZE WHAT THE FUCK’S COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH.  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: That’s definitely not the case with me.  
KARKAT: NO?  
DIRK: Hell no.  
DIRK: I’m exceedingly aware of what’s coming out of my mouth.  
DIRK: I choose my words with extreme care.  
KARKAT: DO YOU?  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: I’m just missing the part of my brain that tells me not to say them.  
KARKAT: HEH  
DIRK: So the ultimate effect is probably similar.  
DIRK: Potato potahto.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: SEE, I’D SAY GROUND TUBER.  
DIRK: I know.  
KARKAT: ...  
DIRK: ...  
KARKAT: HAHAHAH!  
DIRK: Hahahah!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, THAT’S RIGHT!  
KARKAT: DAVE TOLD ME YOU WERE  
KARKAT: LIKE  
KARKAT: REALLY EXCITED TO USE TROLL LINGO?  
DIRK: Oh no.  
DIRK: Oh fuck.  
DIRK: He told you that?  
KARKAT: YEAH, OF COURSE HE DID.  
DIRK: Jesus Christ.  
DIRK: I don’t think I put it precisely like that.  
DIRK: For starters I know for a _fact_ I didn't use the word “lingo.”  
KARKAT: NEITHER DID DAVE.  
KARKAT: HE INSISTS ON CALLING IT “ALTERNIAN.”  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Does he always use the enclosure talons?  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD!  
DIRK: Sorry! Sorry!  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHA!  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: UUUUUGGGGHHHH.  
KARKAT: YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT PISSES ME OFF, DIRK?  
DIRK: Sure.  
KARKAT: I LIKE YOU.  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Uh.  
KARKAT: I WAS *REALLY* READY NOT TO.  
KARKAT: I WAS SO FUCKING PRIMED.  
KARKAT: AND BASED ON THE STORIES DAVE TOLD, I DIDN'T THINK IT'D EVEN BE A QUESTION.  
KARKAT: AND I WAS ALL READY TO  
KARKAT: I GUESS  
KARKAT: DEFEND HIM FROM YOU.  
DIRK: Oh.  
KARKAT: IF YOU WANNA READ TOO DEEPLY INTO MY STUPID FUCKING CLASSPECT, THIS IS ALL BECAUSE I’M A KNIGHT  
KARKAT: AND IT’S MY FUCKING NATURE TO PROTECT THE WEAK OR SOME COLOSSAL BULLSHIT.  
KARKAT: BUT DAVE’S NOT FUCKING WEAK.  
KARKAT: HE’S THE STRONGEST FUCKING PERSON I’VE EVER MET.  
KARKAT: SO MUCH STRONGER THAN ME.  
KARKAT: AND NOW THAT I’M ACTUALLY HERE?  
KARKAT: I MEAN COME ON.  
KARKAT: WHAT WAS I REALISTICALLY GONNA DO?  
KARKAT: PUT ON MY LITTLE KNIGHT HAT AND FUCKING FIGHT YOU?  
KARKAT: DAVE DOESN’T WANT THAT.  
KARKAT: HE’D NEVER FORGIVE ME.  
KARKAT: I’D SO OBVIOUSLY JUST BE DOING IT FOR MYSELF.  
KARKAT: FOR SOME BULLSHIT CATHARSIS.  
KARKAT: AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT, I’D ALMOST DEFINITELY FUCKING LOSE!  
DIRK: Do you actually have a little knight’s hat?  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: I DON’T EVEN HAVE A LITTLE FUCKING KNIGHT’S HAT!  
DIRK: Damn.  
KARKAT: DAMN IS *RIGHT!*  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW  
KARKAT: I THINK CLASSPECTING MIGHT BE FUCKING BULLSHIT.  
DIRK: It may very well be fucking bullshit.  
DIRK: And even if it’s not...  
DIRK: I guess I don’t really know what goes into being a knight.  
DIRK: I’m a prince, myself, which means I’m focused exclusively on royal affairs of the court.  
KARKAT: RIGHT.  
DIRK: But honestly?  
DIRK: I think you probably just feel the way you do because you love him.  
KARKAT: YEAHHH.  
KARKAT: I DO.  
KARKAT: I LOVE HIM A FUCKING LOT.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: I’m glad he’s got you, Karkat.  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: Someone to show him he’s loved, and worthwhile.  
DIRK: Put together the pieces left by...  
DIRK: My alt self.  
KARKAT: THERE YOU GO.  
DIRK: Also it’s really nice knowing that if I do turn out to be a total fucking disappointment, at least he’s got someone good looking after him.  
KARKAT: OH WHAT THE FUCK??  
KARKAT: DON’T FUCKING SAY THAT EITHER!!  
DIRK: What?  
KARKAT: YOU’RE JUST FUCKING ACTING LIKE IT’S A GIVEN THAT YOU’RE GOING TO LET HIM DOWN!  
DIRK: No I’m not.  
DIRK: I said “if.”  
DIRK: That’s a conditional statement.  
KARKAT: OH YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT!  
KARKAT: YOU CHOOSE YOUR WORDS *SO* FUCKING CAREFULLY!!  
DIRK: Yes I do.  
KARKAT: WELL THEN WHY DON’T YOU GODDAMN *CHOOSE* TO SAY THAT YOU’RE GOING TO BE A GOOD THING IN DAVE’S LIFE??  
DIRK: Because I don’t know if that’s true or not.  
DIRK: Okay?  
DIRK: And I don’t make a habit of saying things that aren’t true.  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.  
KARKAT: OF ALL THE FUCKING SELF-RIGHTEOUS, TRUMPED-UP, GOAT-FISTING-  
DIRK: Goat fisting?  
KARKAT: I KNOW WHAT I SAID!!  
DIRK: Okay.  
KARKAT: DIRK.  
KARKAT: I *NEED* YOU TO TELL YOURSELF THAT YOU’RE GOING TO BE GOOD FOR DAVE.  
DIRK: But-  
KARKAT: NO.  
KARKAT: SHUT UP.  
KARKAT: I DON’T CARE IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE “TELLING AN UNTRUTH” OR “LIVING A LIFE UNEXAMINED” OR WHATEVER THE FUCK.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE FRANKLY, I THINK THAT’S A PRETTY SMALL PRICE FOR ALL THIS NOT GOING FUCKING GLOBES UP.  
KARKAT: A PRICE YOU OUGHT TO BE MORE THAN WILLING TO PAY.  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: I mean,  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: That makes sense.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE IF YOU GO INTO THIS WITH THAT MISERABLE, DEFEATIST, SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY HORSESHIT, THE CHANCES THAT IT DOES GO SOUTH JUST ROCKET UP BEYOND OUR WILDEST DREAMS.  
KARKAT: YOU GET IT?  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: I do.  
KARKAT: FUCKING *GOOD.*  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: What was your aspect again?  
KARKAT: BLOOD.  
DIRK: Blood?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DIRK: What the fuck does that mean?  
KARKAT: I HAVE NO GODDAMN CLUE.  
DIRK: Okay.  
KARKAT: JUST.  
KARKAT: PLEASE.  
KARKAT: FOR DAVE’S SAKE.  
KARKAT: TELL ME YOU’LL TRY.  
DIRK: I’ll try.  
KARKAT: GOOD.  
DIRK: I’ll try to approach this positively.  
DIRK: And, simultaneously, I’ll try not to be a total fucking piece of shit.  
KARKAT: THANK YOU.  
KARKAT: JUST  
KARKAT: FUCKING  
KARKAT: TRY REALLY HARD, OK?  
DIRK: Okay.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE I’M SERIOUS.  
KARKAT: I *DO* LIKE YOU.  
KARKAT: BASED ON THIS ONE FUCKING EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER OF A CONVERSATION...  
KARKAT: YOU’RE SOMEHOW ACTUALLY KIND OF  
KARKAT: MAKING AN OK IMPRESSION?  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Thanks.  
KARKAT: DON’T FUCKING MENTION IT.  
DIRK: Don’t worry. I won’t.  
KARKAT: HEH  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: So are we, uh...  
DIRK: Cool?  
DIRK: Shit.  
DIRK: I know we’re not _cool_ cool yet.  
DIRK: Um.  
KARKAT: YEAH, WE’RE COOL.  
KARKAT: JUST REGULAR COOL, THOUGH.  
DIRK: That’s fine.  
KARKAT: I’M DONE YELLING AT YOU FOR THE MOMENT, AT LEAST.  
DIRK: I mean, if you want to yell some more, bro, have at it.  
KARKAT: NO.  
KARKAT: I’M GONNA SAVE IT UP FOR NOW.  
DIRK: That makes sense.  
KARKAT: I FIGURE I’LL HAVE TO DO SOME MORE YELLING BEFORE WE GET TO THE PROMISED LAND OF *COOL* COOL.  
DIRK: You know, Moses never reached the Promised Land himself.  
DIRK: But he did get to see it from afar shortly before his death.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: WHAT???  
DIRK: Nothing.  
DIRK: I guess this is just me saying I’m going to try... _not_ to be Moses.  
KARKAT: IF YOU THINK THIS IS MAKING THINGS CLEARER FOR ME, DIRK, I’VE GOT BAD FUCKING NEWS FOR YOU.  
DIRK: Don’t worry about it.  
DIRK: It doesn’t matter.  
KARKAT: OK.  
DIRK: It just means I’d like to stick around.  
KARKAT: OH. OK.  
KARKAT: GOOD.  
DIRK: I mean,  
DIRK: I think I have to.  
DIRK: Dave already told me you’re pretty much my troll-in-law, so.  
KARKAT: HAHAHA OH MY GOD, HE DID?  
DIRK: Yep.  
DIRK: And I'm your human-in-law.  
DIRK: It’s a nice phrase.  
DIRK: Really artfully skirts around the question of whether we’re thinking of me as his dad or his brother or possibly even his son.  
KARKAT: HA.  
KARKAT: IT’S FUNNY.  
KARKAT: DAVE’S WEIRDLY VERY INTO THE IDEA OF FAMILY.  
DIRK: "Weirdly," given his shitty family growing up, you mean?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: ALTHOUGH WHO THE FUCK KNOWS.  
KARKAT: MAYBE THAT’S *WHY* HE’S SO INTO IT.  
KARKAT: TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT HE MISSED OUT ON.  
DIRK: Mm.  
KARKAT: HE DEFINITELY REALLY LIKES THE IDEA OF ROSE BEING HIS SISTER.  
KARKAT: AND, BY EXTENSION, KANAYA.  
KARKAT: HE’S PRETTY EXCITED TO HAVE PARENTS, ALL OF A SUDDEN.  
KARKAT: OR YOU KNOW, WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE.  
DIRK: How do you feel about it?  
KARKAT: WHAT? FAMILY?  
DIRK: Yeah.  
KARKAT: I THINK IT’S WEIRD AS SHIT.  
DIRK: Ha!  
KARKAT: BUT  
KARKAT: I’M WARMING UP TO IT.  
KARKAT: I LIKE WHAT IT DOES FOR DAVE.  
DIRK: Do you think you might ever add to it?  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?  
DIRK: Break out the ectobiology?  
KARKAT: PLEASE TELL ME YOU’RE NOT HINTING AT WHAT I THINK YOU’RE HINTING AT.  
DIRK: I'm not hinting at anything, man.  
DIRK: I just want to know if I need to add uncle/grandpa to my whole weird fucking collection of familial titles.  
KARKAT: OH JESUS SHITTING CHRIST!!  
DIRK: I'm ordering name plates, and I don't wanna have to go back and do them all over again.  
KARKAT: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??  
DIRK: Not hearin’ a no.  
KARKAT: AUUUGHHH  
DIRK: In fact, I'm hearing an idiom that specifically uses the word "kid."  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD  
KARKAT: FUCKING  
KARKAT: WE JUST GOT HERE!  
KARKAT: THIS ISN’T THE TIME TO-  
DIRK: Still not a no.  
KARKAT: OH HEY!  
KARKAT: I THINK DAVE NEEDS OUR HELP!  
KARKAT: DAVE!  
KARKAT: DAVE, DON’T PICK THAT TREE UP ALL BY YOURSELF, YOU FUCKING LUNATIC!  
DIRK: Don’t listen to him, bro!  
DIRK: You totally got it!  
KARKAT: NO HE FUCKING DOESN’T.  
DIRK: Oh-  
DIRK: Okay, no he doesn’t.  
KARKAT: GOD DAMMIT, DAVE!  
DIRK: Shit.  
DIRK: Hold on, Dave!  
DIRK: We’re coming to help!  


**Author's Note:**

> Where was Dave during all this? He was off in the distance, fucking around with a tree.


End file.
